Gettin' schooled ... in uncertainty.

Image courtesy of prozacville.blogspot.com.

 This week I finished my first semester as a grad student.

One down, three to go.

I wish I could say I finished the semester having a better idea of what I want to be when I grow up than when I started, but I'm not sure that's the case.  This bugs the ever-loving CRAP outta me, but I'm trying my best to be patient, enjoy the ride and hope the answer will come - or learn to accept that it still may not.  Maybe the "answer" isn't what this process is about.  I don't know yet. 

I do know that I'm enjoying being back in school.  I enjoy the academic environment and I think I'm starting to see the allure of becoming a professional student, but I think that's just because the next right move hasn't clicked into place for me yet.

It was an interesting semester.  I had one awesome professor and one not-so-awesome professor.  Oddly enough, the awesome professor turned out to be the one who intimidated the snot outta me on the first day.  Her "welcome to graduate school" lecture basically boiled down to, "It's really hard; don't kill yourself."  Literally.  Don't kill yourself.  As in, "If you're feeling suicidal, here's a list of numbers you can call."  I'm not saying it wasn't good advice, but I definitely walked to my car that night with a deer-in-headlights look and a looped track of "WTF was I thinking?!" running through my head.

First-day freak-out aside, I enjoyed the class and look forward to her classes in the future.  Plus, she's already sparked me to think about a handful of interesting possibilities to try and craft into future opportunities.  The ability to keep a student thinking outside of the classroom is definitely a hallmark of a good educator.

As for Prof. Not-so-Awesome ... it's only because I'm disappointed.  I really wanted to like the class.  Even though it was theory, I started the semester determined to buckle down, do all the reading and try my best to kick some academic a** in the type of class that, as an undergrad, I would've been quite happy with simply being mediocre.  I'm wired more to be a skills person than a history or theory person, but I waited 16 years to go to grad school; I'm determined to go all out.  So I read, and I read and I read some more.  Pages and pages of academic journal articles.  If you haven't read an academic journal article recently, let's just say it's not the easiest-to-understand format for teaching new information, and I feel like, if presented differently, I could've gotten so much more out of it.  I managed to do well on the exams and periodic writing assignments, so my final grade comes down to how well I did on the final paper.  I'm confident I'll end up with a "B" in the class; I won't know for a couple weeks.  I wanted an "A."

Yes.  I said it.  I wanted an "A."  Straight As, in fact.  And really, I don't know who THAT girl is, because I wasn't straight-A driven as an undergrad.  I got plenty of As, but also had a handful of Cs over the years (usually math and history-related), that left me with a strong B-ish average.  Like I said, maybe it's because I waited 16 years to do this.  But really, I kind of have the sinking suspicion it's more likely about the fact that, on some level, getting straight As would somehow validate my worth as a potential contributor to something other than the dog training I've done for the past 10 years.

Don't get me wrong. I don't regret that career decision for a second.  I have met, hands down, some of the nicest people on the planet through my role as a dog trainer.  Some of my most closest friends are the result of relationships cultivated through dog training and dog sports.  I wouldn't trade them for any career change.  Period.  And no matter the outcome of my "adventures in graduate school," I plan to remain active in "dog stuff."  My "peeps" and I have too much fun together.  The Monday Nighers et al. are made of awesome and no way am I giving them up!

It's just that certain situations have changed, and since I'm not presently working as a full-time dog trainer, I need to pursue other things.  I've always had a passion for non-profit work.  I'm a total champion of the underdog.  For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to do something.  Something big.  Something that would somehow make a considerable difference in someone's life.  I've been blessed with an almost overwhelming sense of empathy.  Show me a human struggle and it'll quickly ingrain itself into my brain.  That's what draws me to non-profit work.

Problem is, I'm equally drawn to the idea of shedding light on the human struggle through a more traditional journalistic approach.  I love writing and am fascinated by the new direction the industry is taking.  (And by "new direction," I mean multi-media, not unemployed journalists!)  I love the work of NYT's Nicholas Kristoff.  I love a piece of long-form or multi-media journalism that rips your heart out, but makes you think.

Like this one:
The Girl in the Window - Tampa Bay Times

Or this one:
Carrying Darisabel - York Daily Record

Or this:
Keeping A Blue Light On: A Citizen's Tribute to the Seattle Police Department

OK. So really, the above links should come with warnings.  And hey, if you read them and feel the need for one of those hotline numbers I mentioned earlier, I'm sure I can dig up the handout from class.  For as difficult as they are to read, watch or look at, that's the very thing that somehow attracts me to them.  They are stories that need - deserve - to be told.  I don't know if I have it in me to tell a story like that, but I have infinite respect for those who do.  The last one is an awesome example of photography and its ability to forever capture a single moment in time.  When done well, like the images in this book, a picture really does tell a thousand words.  Amazing.

Of course, the bigger issue is that there's just about no such thing as a full-time job as a reporter with a single publication; more like piecemealing freelance jobs to make ends meet.  Not a deal-breaker, but full-time employment would be nice.

I could also be happy doing PR for an organization, cause or for-profit company whose mission I really believe in.  I definitely miss the collaboration that was so commonplace when I worked in PR.  I love, love, LOVE a good brainstorming session, especially when the creative juices are really flowing and people are working together toward an end-goal.  Doing PR for a police K9, SAR or related organization would be awesome.

And then there's teaching.  Journalism.  Yes. I'm interested in that, too.  I don't know about full-time, and my most recent (and valid) concern is that my 10-year detour into dog training means I won't be a legit candidate for teaching journalism even once I've finished my masters.  I lack "street cred."  I've never actually been a reporter, and I haven't worked professionally in the field of PR, in a full-time capacity, for 10 years.  I was recently lamenting about it to the aforementioned awesome professor, who agreed it presents a challenge, but had some good suggestions, including returning to PR for a while and then looking into teaching.

Of course ... all these options rely heavily on the idea that going back to school and earning a master's degree will prove helpful in re-entering the non-dog workforce.  I now have a serious appreciation for parents who leave the workforce to raise kids, then want to return some years later.  Yikes!  It's rough!  Has it always been this hard, or are things infinitely worse with the painfully sluggish economy?

Lots of possibilities, but different directions of focus.  Where will I end up?  I have no idea.  Some idea I've not even thought of yet could present itself and totally rock my world.  Who knows.  For now, I guess I'll just try to appreciate the journey and take it one semester at a time.